Blind Date

From Drew Your guide to Dating 100% Free Dating Site Free Dating

50 ways to get rid of your blind dates

1. Show up with make up on ninety percent of your body . . . all lipstick. (This is especially effective if you're male.)
2. Ask your date how much money he or she has in: 1) Checking 2) Savings 3) Wallet/Purse.
3. While driving to the restaurant, listen to violent, antisocial Speed Metal Rock and Gangsta Rap. Recite the expletives.
4. Dominate the conversation. Every time your date's mouth opens, interrupt and start a new conversation on a completely different topic.
5. Upon entering the restaurant ask for a seat away from the windows with a good view of all the exits where you can always keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
6. Collect all the salt shakers from around the restaurant; use them to make a tower on your table.
7. Make funny faces at other patrons; sneer at their reactions.
8. Repeat every third third word you say say.
9. Twitch and wink uncontrollably. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what he or she is talking about.
10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make an airplane sound.
11. Accuse your date of industrial espionage.
12. When you order, inquire whether or not the restaurant has any food that is served while still alive.
13. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
14. Order a bucket of lard and two spoons.
15. As you food arrives, mention how long it's been since you last ate raw meat.
16. Insist the waiter cut your food into little pieces. Ask that he take one bite of everything on the plate . . . just to be sure no one has poisoned it.
17. Talk about your date in hushed tones to your "imaginary friends."
18. Order a baked potato as a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato. Wait a few minutes then ask the waiter for the potato "you never got". When the waiter returns with another potato, have the first one back up on your plate. Repeat.
19. During dinner guard your plate with your fork and knife; give the clear impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
20. Howl and whistle at women's legs. (This works especially if well if you are female.)
21. Bring a harmonica. Play the blues whenever your date talks about his or her life.
22. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than he or she does.
23. Sacrifice French fries on the table with your fist to the great, omnipotent deity, Pommos.
24. Chew with your mouth open; talk with your mouth full. Drool.
25. After drinking from your date's water glass, explain that you're doing a "hands on" study on the spread of mononucleosis.
26. Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date's plate.
27. Ask people at neighboring tables for food from their plates.
28. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
29. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements and anything else on the table that isn't bolted down.
30. Save the bones from your meal. Explain that you're taking them home to your sickly, senile, decrepit old mother because it's a lot cheaper than canned dog food.
31. Take a thermos along and hide it under the table. Order coffee and take advantage of the free refills by filling the thermos up one cup at a time.
32. Belch. Rate yourself. Bow.
33. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the waiter or hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order two more meals. When your date finally finds you ask: "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?
34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
35. Complain about the effects of the acid you dropped earlier in the evening.
36. Comment that the table would look simply marvelous with a freshly severed human head as its centerpiece.
37. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
38. Make bizarre allusions to dangerous religious cults.
39. Bring 20 or so candles. Then sometime during the meal get up, light them, and arrange them in a neat little circle around the table. Chant.
40. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to yours.
41. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Embellish. Include pets.
42. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Likely to Suppurate" in your high school yearbook.
43. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
44. Excuse yourself to the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Explain that they just need "a little serious airing out."
45. Stare at your date's neck while churlishly grinding your teeth.
46. Discuss boils, lesions and warts as if from extensive personal experience.
47. Count your condoms. Say "I wish I would of had these back in December!"
48. Quote Beavis & Butthead . . . a lot . . . and especially in reference to how you would like to be "pleased" by your date later in the evening.
49. Stroke your thigh while commenting how much you can't wait until the meal is over.
50. When the meal is done and the question arises of whether to go someplace else, politely decline saying that you have had your fill of bad taste for the night.